Our Redemptive Birth Story

I wanted a home birth since my first pregnancy 7 years ago. I was faced with the worlds comments and fear that it was not a safe option leading me to believe that making the choice for a home birth was selfish and my baby would most likely die. As a first time mom that was a terrifying and so.. I had my first non-medicated hospital birth where I progressed at home to 7cm and headed to the hospital where I was immediately given an IV, asked 1000 questions, had a monitor put on me and told to get in the bed where I would deliver on my back. Thankfully I had a very nice nurse who noticed I had affirmation cards and a onesie to encourage me in labor. She came back with her own affirmation that said “I’m sexy and I know it” in response to my funny remark when they asked me how much I gained during pregnancy to which I replied something along the lines of “yeah, I’m pretty hot for someone who is 40 weeks today.” While it wasn’t a horrible experience, postpartum I could not sleep… I stayed up for a total of 3 days and I swear I fell asleep for 1 hour and was awoken during that hour for a blood draw. They pushed and massaged my aching body.

With my second unmedicated birth, I did not want to go to the hospital. I stayed home and labored all the way to 9 cm. I reluctantly got in the car with my anxiety rising. When we arrived they had changed the entrance since our last tour and I stood in the parking lot hitting my hands and screaming against the glass panel wall begging them to let me in. A nurse did very angrily. When I arrived to my room I decided I was going to begin with a shower or bath to relax. A nurse followed behind me turning the faucet off telling me in a very frustrated voice that I wasn’t allowed to do that. Confused, I asked her if this was my room. She responded by telling me to get into a hospital gown… I’m already so uncomfortable I would prefer to be naked so I say to her: “I wore the most comfortable clothes I have.. if needed please cut them off.” She rolled her eyes.

Next they checked me and tell me that I am 9cm and then start to talk to me about paperwork that needs to be filled out regarding a c-section (in case I needed one). I told them I was feeling stressed and I give my husband permission to read and sign on my behalf and id be willing to sign something to that effect. She ignored that request and stood at my bedside reading all the reasons I would need a c-section… “the baby could be stuck, you could bleed excessively…” I again told her that she was making me feel stressed and to please read that on the other side of the room. She scoffed. IV time… they tried 5 times with 2 different nurses and were unable to do it. I told them I refused at that point and the anger expression on their face led to same nurse stating: “If you didn’t want to have a baby here then you shouldn’t have come to the hospital”— yes, you’re right. I didn’t want to be there… I didn’t want to be poked, prodded and scared while I was bringing my baby into the world. My labor completely stopped from the stress and I put my face into my pillow and said some hateful things about the nurses and told myself to ignore them… my labor returned. Long story short, I delivered her and with her in my arms I wasn’t able to enjoy my golden hour because suddenly I felt ashamed that while I was 9cm dilated and having a baby naturally… very stressed from their behavior— I felt I needed to apologize. WHY.

Fast forward, I have an early miscarriage— an experience I don’t wish on anyone in any stage of pregnancy. I grieved, I named the baby Juni (gender neutral name) and needed some time before we created another life.

I’m pregnant and I decide that I am going to do everything pregnancy celebration I can think of to honor this baby, this pregnancy. I decided to ignore the world’s fear mongering and started seeing a midwife to plan my HOME BIRTH. I also immediately hired a highly recommended doula. My birth team was so supportive, so comforting and so nurturing… something I was not used to what so ever! And to be honest I had a time during the pregnancy where I felt UNCOMFORTABLE with the support !! I was so used to medical that I feared that maybe this wasn’t the right way… but then God.

God walked me through hard conversations this pregnancy, God walked me through boundary setting during this pregnancy, God instilled strength and confidence…he also allowed personal struggles throughout my pregnancy and he BROKE and ALIGNED things in my life that needed adjustment. I will keep those things between me and Jesus AND still be able to have a testimony of what God did in our lives. Okay.. what you have been waiting for. My rainbow baby’s birth story.

My husband gets home from work and I feel a little off… no contractions but I tell him that I need him to make dinner tonight. Dinner is served and I take one bite, I’m done. I start feeling contractions. I think… is this it? It’s 6PM. Just in case, my husband and I start doing our closing shift routine in our home. We do dishes, we put items away… I bathe the girls just in case. He brushes their teeth and we kiss them goodnight and tell them that it’s possible that Mama will have the baby tonight. It’s 8PM… the girls keep coming out of their bed because they don’t want to miss their brother entering the world. I text my midwife and my doula a “heads up” — letting my doula specifically know that I would like her to come soon. My midwife reminds me to call when I am in active labor, not text. I acknowledge that.

I go to the living room with my yoga ball.. I put on my birth playlist (all worship music)—which my doula recommended I create..it was so hard to choose songs but I did it! I find a cushion for my knees. My mom just bought the most comfortable floor pillow for the kids… I use that covering it with a puppy pad. The girls are on the couch watching. Two days prior, my doula taught them a little class on what birthing is like and what their jobs would be during birth. My oldest brings me a cold wash cloth and puts it to my face and back… whispering. She rarely whispers. My youngest is caressing my face and showing affection, gently whispering to me that the baby is coming. I’m reminded that she won’t be my youngest for much longer— I memorize her face and hands. Both my husband and myself are telling the girls it could be hours and we will wake them. They stood their ground and stayed (one of those rare moments where I’m so glad they disobeyed).

I took a virtual home birth class, just one session… and they encouraged certain breathing and said that W sitting would provide baby 5cm extra space in my pelvis to progress. I breath as I lean against the yoga ball… my husband and children surrounding me… their loving presence I can feel so strong. I felt this incredible peace lay over the room as I listen to the worship songs, God is with us. I’ve never experienced my family so silent and so calm than in this moment. They listen to me make noise. I explain to them why I’m making noise, what it means and how it helps me. My water breaks and I tell my husband its time to call the midwife… she’s on her way.

I feel pressure, a natural pressure that makes my body naturally push. I’m thinking… wow…pushing? I guess I will be pushing for longer than I had in the past… I tell myself to not believe that it will happen soon and that I have time… to continue to feel calm and peace as I feel these urges to push. I allow my body to do what it needs.

My voice intensifies and I feel incredible pressure and a natural pushing response… I listen to my body. His head is out. My husband is right there. I feel this instant relief like… I did it! My husband encourages me and says “Mama you have a little more work to do”— his calm makes me feel immediate oxytocin… I am in love with his voice in this moment. I allow my body to push again… he is OUT! My doula runs in the doorway, dropping her items on the way in. He is here, we did it. 8:52PM

The midwife is on the phone now. She is almost here. I hold my baby in awe.. like it is just me and him and everything else is frozen. We talk with the doula about how incredible of an experience that was and that we were shocked. My doula reminds me of the placenta and we talk about how it may be some time before the placenta leaves my body. I am in a low squat position, it came out immediately after we discussed it, incredible. We keep the placenta attached and I get to my bed. The midwife is here and she caters to what needs to be catered to. She does not poke me, she does not push on me… my baby stays on my chest the entire time. She educates my children on the placenta and more. Baby tries to start nursing. My doula is comforting and entertaining the kids, I love her support so much..she is incredible. I am in baby bliss. I am deeper in love with my husband, he is so incredibly attractive— he caught our son. Wow.

There are more moments where I saw God at play. Each moment so special. I am so grateful for my birth team, my husband, my children and I couldn’t have done this accidental free-birth without God. Thank you, Jesus.