Welcoming a new baby and sibling
You’re having a new baby! That is so exciting. You may be feeling all kinds of emotions, one of them being fear. A lot of what ifs can arise because there is a fear of disconnect. Many will tell you it happens, some may say it doesn’t. I am going to be honest with you, having a baby is a transition for your schedule and for every one in the family. Let’s talk about the transition for your children (the new baby’s siblings).
There will be moments where you feel less connected to your children while you bond with your new baby. Depending on your children’s age and emotional intelligence capacity, they may respond with violence, distance or to your surprise they may welcome the baby with a lot of love and acceptance.
It is hard to know how your children will react. Child Development can tell you what your children are ready for or what type of behavior you may see; it can be a factor in whether or not they will have a complete understanding of the change.
Some suggestions that can help your children bond with baby before they are born are:
talk about the baby and narrate when you are preparing a space for the baby
add baby items/gear a few weeks before the baby is born and remind them that the baby will be using that; you may even encourage pretend play with a baby doll on how to care for the baby or what you will do
for carseat changes or placement, add 4-6 weeks before the baby is due and have your child switch between their seat and their new space. This will help provide them transition and mental/ emotional preparation time for when baby does come and their seat is permanently changed.
have the children help you fold baby clothes, clean an area and talk about how it will be when the baby comes (day-dream talk)
encourage talking to the baby in utero
Some suggestions for prepping them for labor/delivery:
talk about the plan for labor and delivery (home birth, hospital, birthing center): where will they be? how long will you be apart from them? will they be added to the process?
talk about how Mama/Mommy will behave when labor has begun and what they can do to help you (provide you a towel, give you space, whisper, get your yoga ball)
express that labor can be painful (it is a good pain that leads to baby’s arrival and mama may need more comfort) and Mama/Mommy may close her eyes more, may make noises etc.
Some suggestions when they meet and hold baby:
unless they witness delivery, have baby be in a separate space from moms arms when they see him/her for the first time (carseat, bassinet, crib): this way they have time to prepare for seeing mom holding the baby and it allows them space and time to enjoy meeting the baby before normal jealousy may arise. If they are able to witness the change, preparing them for what that will look like: mama will hold the baby for up to an hour before anyone else can hold the baby, then mama has to feed the baby after that it can be their turn (or dads of course) to hold the baby
prepare them for how they will hold the baby and what location they can: noting to them that they can hold the baby when mom and/or dad hands baby to them
provide each child time to hold the baby and admire the baby if able
remind them that baby will need to be fed and when the baby whines or fusses that you will be taking the baby back (if you are able to predict how long that will be, you could use a timer so they are aware of the time they have remaining)
All of this to say, there will be a difference in your relationship with your older children when the baby arrives. Being intentional about spending time with them, bringing the baby along for the ride and doing your best to do similar activities / routines with them is helpful (when you have healed). When you are healing, you can do some of the activities in bed. Example: brush their hair in bed, brush their teeth with a spit cup instead, snuggle and read them a book etc.
It is hard and you will grieve the change you will see in your older children and even yourself. At the same time, this is a beautiful and magical time in all of your life and having this baby is such a blessing to the family. Being intentional and preparing their hearts for the new baby can really make a difference.
